2014: The year in song (sort of)

A recent MacWorld article entitled “Apple’s 10 biggest hits, misses, and head-scratchers of 2014” brought to mind just how many significant announcements, products–and problems–the good folks from Cupertino bestowed upon us this year.

So, as my holiday gift to you, I invite you to join me on a musical journey through the best and the worst that Apple brought us in 2014. It’s perfectly OK if you want to sing along; just make sure that nobody’s within earshot or you’ll most likely have a great deal of explaining to do.

Happy Holidays from the employees and staff of AltiM@c Consulting!

 


Apple Pay is Coming to Town
to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”

You’d better watch out
You’d better not buy
With plastic, nor cash
I’m telling you why
Apple Pay is coming to town!

Whole Foods is on board
Starbucks and BJ’s
Panera, Chevron
Duane Reade and Subway
Apple Pay is coming to town!

McNuggets from McDonalds?
Just use your Touch ID
At Macy’s, Staples, Texaco
Even Sports Authority

To use Apple Pay
The iPhone’s a must
So upgrade your plan
To the 6, or 6+
Apple Pay is coming to town!

 


Yosemite, Yosemite!
to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree”

Yosemite, Yosemite,
What features wilt thou bring me!
Yosemite, Yosemite,
What features wilt thou bring me!

Thou sports AirDrop,
Translucency
Markup in Mail, and
Continuity
Yosemite, Yosemite,
What features wilt thou bring me!

Yosemite, Yosemite,
Thou torments me to upgrade
Yosemite, Yosemite,
Thou torments me to upgrade

Of Mavericks
I can’t enthuse
Yet still thou beckons me
To use
Yosemite, Yosemite,
Thou torments me to upgrade

Yosemite, Yosemite,
How this upgrade doth vex me!
Yosemite, Yosemite,
How this upgrade doth vex me!

Will Bluetooth fail
To work with thee?
Or WiFI
connectivity?

Yosemite, Yosemite,
Thou torments me to upgrade…

 


iOS 8, iOS 8
to the tune of “Silent Night”

iOS 8, iOS 8
Gil had urged
Us to wait
Now my WiFi performance is poor
Have to do
A backup and restore
That’s what they said
At the sto-oooore,
That’s what they said at the store

iOS 8, iOS 8
Don’t they test
These updates?
Now my Camera Roll is no more
Seems to me it was there
Just before…
Why is this iPad so slo-ooowww?
Why is this iPad so slow?

iOS 8, iOS 8
Hard to keep
The versions straight
Just updated to eight one point two
How’s that version
Been working for you?
Camera Roll
Is resto-oooored!
Camera Roll is restored!

 


iPhone 6: The Holiday Medley
I’m Dreaming of a White iPhone | Can You Bend This iPhone? | It’s The Most Wonderful Phone Of The Year | The iPhone 6? Thou Art Too Large | Buy Yourself An iPhone 6 This Christmas

I’m Dreaming of a White iPhone
to the tune of “White Christmas”

I’m dreaming of a white iPhone
Is that an Apple Store? I’m there
Where the iPhones glisten
I stop and listen
To hear
Of bargains in the air…

I’m dreaming of a white iPhone
But these new 6-es, I’ve been told
Much to my chagrin
Will be
offered in
Just three versions–
Silver, grey or gold

I’m dreaming of a gold iPhone…

 

Can You Bend This iPhone?
to the tune of “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

Said the British teens to the Apple tech
Can you bend this iPhone?
Right here in the store, Apple tech
Hey, let’s bend this iPhone
Look here, look here
We bent it ’till it broke
What a tale this fiasco provoked
What a tale this fiasco provoked

Said the bloggers to their visitors online,
See me bend my iPhone
Here’s a YouTube video I made of mine,
See me bend my iPhone
It bends, it bends,
When the pressure’s far too great
Seems a costly way to demonstrate
Seems a costly way to demonstrate

Said Cupertino to the people everywhere,
You can’t bend our iPhones
Nine complaints, of all the phones out there?
You can’t bend our iPhones
They’re strong, they’re strong
Ignore the clueless throng
‘Cause Consumer Reports confirms they’re wrong
Yes, Consumer Reports confirms they’re wrong

 

It’s The Most Wonderful Phone Of The Year
to the tune of “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”

It’s the most wonderful phone of the year
It’s much bigger
Yet thinner
HealthKit looks like a winner!
The new 6+ is here!
It’s the most
Wonderful phone
Of the year…

A much faster processor
Than its predecessor,
It’s better in every way
Capture hours of video
Then watch it in slo-mo
On the five-and-a-half inch display!

It’s the most wonderful phone of the year
Apple Pay’s time has come
Buy one now
With your thumb!
Before they disappear…
Grab the most
Wonderful phone
Yes, the most
Wonderful phone
Grab the most
Wonderful phone
Of the year!

 

The iPhone 6? Thou Art Too Large
to the tune of “It Came Upon A Midnight Clear”

The iPhone 6? Thou art too large
For my front pants pockets to hold
I found thee awkward, and cumbersome
A right clumsy object of gold

Thy screen enthralls
And thy camera’s swell
Fain would I explore Apple Pay
But ’twasn’t long ‘ere
I soon returned
To mine old iPhone 5 in dismay…

 

Buy Yourself An iPhone 6 This Christmas
to the tune of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

Buy yourself an iPhone 6 this Christmas
Make your wallet light
Then, upgrade in two years
For more gigabytes…

Buy yourself an iPhone 6 this Christmas
Make the Yuletide pay
From now on,
You’ll keep those liquids
Miles away…

Trapped no more, as in olden days,
With that cheap flip phone of yore
Cases, apps and accessories
Find you spending more,
And more

Through the years,
When added all together
You’ve dropped five grand, somehow
Is this gizmo something you could
Disavow?
No! Buy yourself
That 64 gig iPhone
Now…

5 Comments

  1. elaine kilcullen

    26 December 2014 at 10:31 am

    sung to the tune of oh Christmas tree:
    you are a nerd
    you are a geek
    tech humor doth escape me…
    🙂

  2. Gil, I b’lieve these deserve a wider audience. Please find another forum. Best wishes for the New Year, dear man, and lovely family.

  3. Hilarious! I cried laughing! So clever, Gil.
    Merry Christmas to you and Donna!

  4. laureate is the correct spelling!!

  5. Gil’s a poet;I didn’t know it.
    He’s so rhythmic, I’m so lumpic,
    and can’t reciprocate. He’s not a guy I could possibly date.
    Yet I raise my glass to a laurearte.
    Happy new year!

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